Food Glorious Food

A sherut leumi girl brought me a tray with a dome shaped, silver plate cover. (Sherut Leumi is a national service program in which post high school recruits, usually female, perform a public service, such as assisting in hospitals, as an alternative to compulsory military service).

"Your lunch" she said with great aplomb. Ooh, I thought, that dinner service looks fancy! I tried to sit up to eat but but my guts hurt like hell. Running my hand down my side, I discovered a huge bandage on my belly.

The girl saw my difficulty and uncovered the tray for me. Before me sat a piece of roast chicken, clearly flavoured with soup powder. As if on cue a nurse rushed into the room to change my IV.

"Excuse me, my food seems to be flavoured with MSG to which I am allergic. It's in my file - I can't have any MSG or dairy products".

The nurse, a thickset, big boned, fake blonde, brashly responded with a raised voice: "So what do you want me to do? It's too late to order other food. You should have told me before!"

I was flabbergasted. "I am not requesting anything at all, I am just bringing it to your attention. Why are you (I wanted to say "being a bitch" but instead I looked for an expression that was not emotive) responding with such energy?"

The nurse threw me a dirty look. "A lot of energy? Well if you don't like it I will pack up my energy and just go home!" Yossi, in the next bed, looked at me and made a face. I was a little offended by this exchange with the nurse - it seemed I would be in battle with the very people who were charged with my care.

"Why are you getting angry?" I asked in a quiet, calm voice. She ignored me and left the room. The nurse was clearly having a bad hair day.

Yossi burst out laughing. "It seems we have a Nazi Nurse" he said. As always his laugh was infectious and pretty soon I thought I was going to burst my stitches. A few minutes later my lunch tray was replaced with identical food. The nurse came by and, realising what was going on, began screaming at the sherut leumi girl who ran back to the kitchen. Unbelievably, I was eventually brought clean, unadulterated food. It was delicious.

Little did I know, this would be the last time I received food free of allergenic substances. Every meal that followed for the next three days contained either MSG saturated meat and vegetables or a selection of cheeses. So much for lactose intolerance. This, despite written instructions sent to the kitchen daily which the sherut leumi girls phrased more and more emphatically each day. When I mentioned the problem to a hospital worker, she breezily responded that 'the kitchen reads these instructions as recommendations only".

Apparently diabetic patients put their life at risk during any hospital stay.

Shaarei Zedek is a religious hospital, and it is forbidden for patients (or staff) to bring food from home. Which is exactly how I survived. Friends who heard of my hospitalisation brought me baskets of fruit, balloons, books and newspapers. Some took special care and smuggled in trays of home cooked schnitzel, rice and other goodies.

A Russian ward cleaner who had witnessed the food fiasco on my first day stopped me in the corridor. "Has the food issue worked out for you? She asked with a friendly face.

"Sure has" I answered. And then, leaning into her ear, I whispered "I had some schnitzels smuggled in".

The woman beamed at me. "Good for you. You're learning the ropes. Twenty three years I have been working here and I bring my own food every single day. The same food is served in the staff canteen, but you won't catch me eating that rubbish".